At some point society decided that infertility and miscarraige are topics that don’t get discussed. They have become so taboo and are never talked about, which can make experiencing one or both of them really isolating. You feel like you are alone and the only one going through it! I want to break that giant door down and start a discussion because I think it’s SO important and that they need to be talked about! I’ve had issues with my girly bits since I was 15, and suffered through both fertility issues and miscarriages. To get the ball rolling and the discussion train moving, I’m going to talk about 5 Things I Wish I Knew About Miscarriage. These are things I have personally experienced, and have talked with other women who have also gone through them. So let’s get to it!
1. I’m Not The Only Person Going Through It
When I was in the middle of experiencing a miscarriage, I felt like I was the only one who’s ever been through it. Since these topics aren’t spoken about, it was hard for me to know that others might be dealing with it too. I know for me I was uncomfortable bringing it up because I felt broken and like I wasn’t a “real” woman. That caused me to become embarrassed by my circumstances, and nervous that I was going to be judged because of them. I felt like since I was the only one who’s ever gone through this and the only one whose body didn’t work right. I felt that no one could possibly understand how I felt.
The truth is, majority of women have experienced at least one miscarriage in their life while trying to have a baby. In fact, 10%-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. That’s a lot of women!
I think it’s so important for people to share their experiences with others so that women know that there is a whole population of us that have lived exactly what you might be living! It’s a sad, hard, uncomfortable thing to go through, especially alone. No one needs to do that when there’s so much potential support out there!
2. It’s Not My Fault
I can tell you from experience that when I went through my miscarriages, I completely blamed myself. I felt like it was my fault and that I must have done something to cause them. That’s a tremendous amount of pressure to put on yourself! I already had a million different feelings about going through these experiences, and now I was adding guilt to the mix.
I want to tell anyone who might be going through these things, that it’s not your fault! I had three different conditions that added to my fertility issues, none of which I had any control over! I suffered from PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Endometriosis, and Adenomyosis. At the beginning I didn’t know I had all of these things, so I put the blame on myself. Once I put a name to all of my symptoms, it helped to ease some of the guilt, and helped me to finally be able to understand them.
But until then I constantly asked myself questions and tried desperately to understand. After all, I believed that women were made to get pregnant and carry babies. My identity as a woman confirmed that I am a vessel designed by God to cook these little nuggets and procreate the earth. So, when my oven didn’t work right, I felt broken. I experienced a complete WTF moment and asked myself a million questions:
-”What could be the problem?”
-”How can I fix this?”
-”Why don’t I work right?”
It’s important to remember that this is NOT your fault. It may be impossible to not ask yourself questions like these. If you do that’s okay, but try to remember, in the end, that it’s not your fault and you can’t put that blame on yourself. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, or that you need something checked out because your body doesn’t feel right, I highly suggest going to a professional to have things checked out.
3.Other People Will Have A Lot Of Opinions
It’s insane the amount of opinions that are offered about you and your body when people find out you’ve had a miscarriage or are struggling to get pregnant. I was bombarded with questions and advice. Some of it was okay but a lot of it I really didn’t want. I didn’t want to be rude to those offering the advice, so I would just listen and smile, while on the inside I wanted to curl up under a rock and die.
Some of the questions were;
-”Are you eating healthy enough?”
-”Do you exercise enough?”
-”Are you taking care of yourself correctly?”
-”Have you tried X, Y or Z?”
People thought that I needed, or wanted, them to fix me. That I wanted for them to figure out my problems and why I had the miscarriage. Truth is, there are a million reasons why a miscarriage may have happened. None of which I (or you) have any control over!
Trust me when I say, I went through every possible reason why I may have had a miscarriage, then went over it again, and then again. I would try to internally figure out how I could have been “better” or maybe averted having the miscarriage in the first place. I criticized everything I did during my pregnancy and tried to find the bits I thought maybe I could have done better. This goes back to not feeling guilty about the situation, which can be really hard, especially when you get asked a ton of intrusive questions. What I needed during this time wasn’t help figuring out the mysteries of my body or trying to place blame on something. What I needed was support, love, and understanding. And maybe some vodka because this sh*t is hard to get through.
Reminder: You are not obligated to listen to their advice or accept their comforting. Let them know that you appreciate them trying to comfort you, but their statements are not really helping and you would much rather them just be present, instead of trying to solve your problem.
4. Having A Miscarriage Early On Is Not Easier To Deal With
This simply isn’t true. Miscarriage is a loss, and a loss in any way, at any time, is hard for people to go through. We are not the judge of what is hard for people and what’s not. Everyone is different. For me, I always miscarried at the beginning of my second trimester, and I had multiple miscarriages. Each one was hard. Was it early on in my pregnancy? Yeah. But that sh*t is still hard.
I’ve spoken with a lot of women who have experienced miscarriage, and it seems like majority of them were told these types of things;
-”Just get over it.”
-”At least it was early on.”
-”Since it was so early, it wasn’t a real baby yet.”
-”You need to suck it up, you weren’t even that pregnant.”
I’m sorry, but who the H-E-double hockey stick do you think you are telling someone who’s just experienced a loss any of these things? The only shoes we know anything about walking in, are our own. We can’t tell other people how they should be feeling about something. Could you imagine telling someone who lost a grandparent, “Well they were old, so you should just get over it.” No! You would never say that! Same should be for someone who’s gone through a miscarriage.
I also don’t want anyone reading this to think their story isn’t “sad enough” or “they only had one miscarriage so it’s not as sad”. It doesn’t matter when you have a miscarriage, or how many, it can be hard. Just remember to go back to the first thing I talked about, you are not alone! Find people who you can talk to and relate with. We understand!
5.I Will Have Feelings That Aren’t Always Pretty Or Explainable
I attribute miscarriage to a rollercoaster. It goes up, down, in loops and upside down. I would feel the highs and the lows, and sometimes I might want to vomit. Living through all of these turns and loops that come up unexpectedly caused me to feel things and act in ways I couldn’t explain. Miscarriage pulled feelings out of me that I had no idea where they came from, or why I might be feeling them. I want anyone to know who might be going through a miscarriage or who has in the past, you are allowed to feel any type of way you need to feel from this. And you can feel it unapologetically.
What I mean is, you might be pissed at your sister or bff because she got pregnant before you. That’s okay.
You might want to rip someone’s throat out who is offering you advice and trying to make you “feel better”. That’s okay. Well, it’s not okay to rip out their throats, but be pissed if you need to be.
You might cry unexplainably at the simplest things. That’s okay.
You may not want to go to baby showers, or kid’s birthday parties, or gender reveals. That’s okay.
There is no wrong way to deal and go through and process a miscarriage. We are all different, and we will all experience the loss differently. I don’t want you to feel guilty, or bad or like you’re acting some type of way and you should “just get over it”. Feel what you need to feel, and think what you need to think. Just don’t unpack and live there. Deal?
Question of the Week
How Common Is Miscarriage?
Answer of the Week
I would say that miscarriage is much more common than you think. The statistics say that about 20% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage, but that is not including the amount of miscarriages that occur before someone knows that they are pregnant.
I hope these 5 Things l Wish I Knew About Miscarriage were helpful, insightful, or helped ease any stress you may have been going through yourself. Maybe you need to show these 5 things to someone in your life that might not understand what you’re going through. The main thing here is that I want you to know that you are not alone! There are so many of us that understand and can completely empathize with you and what you’re going through! I hope through my experience, you have found some clarity and understanding, and that it helped even just a little bit.
Stay strong sister friends! Much love!
About The Author
Hey fellow ladies! My name is Joey Kaufmann and I am a mother, wife, an author, and blogger! A little about myself; I’m 37, I’ve been married for 16 years to my amazing husband, and I have a son who’s 12. I was a hairstylist for 15 years and now I’ve retired to be a stay at home mom! I’m so excited about this new journey and to see what comes out of it!
Stay tuned for my book coming out soon where I dive deeper into what it’s like to live through fertility issues and miscarriage. It will be available in either a Kindle option or paperback on Amazon.
If you feel like you need to talk you can always reach out to me on my Instagram www.instagram.com/life.got.me.like
Disclaimer: Though you are welcome to reach out to us, neither the owner of this blog MISH, or myself are doctors or licensed therapists. Our advice come solely from what we have experienced, and you should always consult with a professional before making any serious decisions that could affect your physical or mental health.